| Greetings Lefties and Gentlemen, The Best and Worst of 2001 |
Kolumnist's Korner
December 8, 2001
December 8, 2001
| by Gus Loads |
Greetings lefties and gentlemen!
Well unfortunately, yet another golf
season has come to a close. It was a
fine year, filled with many lows and
highs. Mostly highs, especially the
scores and the golfers. In the
tradition of so many uninspired
writers in the world, I present the
unofficial LGA best and worst of
2001.
The Best:
1. Costa Doinbiznis takes advantage
of a somewhat weak (and hungover)
field and wins an LGA event, making
him the first righty to win since
Biggus Dickus' win in 2000 and the
only Northpaw to do so in 2001.
2. P.P. Hornsby shoots 97 to break
100 for the second time in his
career. Post game celebrations end
with song and dance. And a hangover
(See # 1).
3. Dr. Blondin wins his first major
at the Lefty Masters, proudly
strutting his stuff in the Yellow
Jacket at the post game
celebrations. Another hangover.
4. Al Fred joins the LGA, brining
the total number of full-time
righties to three. Too bad he also
sucks.
5. The number of LGA events held in
2001 totals 42, with events held
from April all the way to November!
The PGA has got nothing on us.
6. Costa Doinbiznis gets beaned in
the head with an eraratic drive (not
his) on the 18th hole, but manages
to save par just the same. "I did it
for the kids", he declares after
sinking the putt.
7. The 9-Iron Kid returns from penis
enlargement surgery a new man
(literally). His golf game alas
remains the same. In spite of
everything he quicky reacquaints
himself with the flowers and the
trees. Poetry flows. The bars add
extra staff to meet demands.
Well unfortunately, yet another golf
season has come to a close. It was a
fine year, filled with many lows and
highs. Mostly highs, especially the
scores and the golfers. In the
tradition of so many uninspired
writers in the world, I present the
unofficial LGA best and worst of
2001.
The Best:
1. Costa Doinbiznis takes advantage
of a somewhat weak (and hungover)
field and wins an LGA event, making
him the first righty to win since
Biggus Dickus' win in 2000 and the
only Northpaw to do so in 2001.
2. P.P. Hornsby shoots 97 to break
100 for the second time in his
career. Post game celebrations end
with song and dance. And a hangover
(See # 1).
3. Dr. Blondin wins his first major
at the Lefty Masters, proudly
strutting his stuff in the Yellow
Jacket at the post game
celebrations. Another hangover.
4. Al Fred joins the LGA, brining
the total number of full-time
righties to three. Too bad he also
sucks.
5. The number of LGA events held in
2001 totals 42, with events held
from April all the way to November!
The PGA has got nothing on us.
6. Costa Doinbiznis gets beaned in
the head with an eraratic drive (not
his) on the 18th hole, but manages
to save par just the same. "I did it
for the kids", he declares after
sinking the putt.
7. The 9-Iron Kid returns from penis
enlargement surgery a new man
(literally). His golf game alas
remains the same. In spite of
everything he quicky reacquaints
himself with the flowers and the
trees. Poetry flows. The bars add
extra staff to meet demands.
The Worst:
1. P.P. Hornsby blows at least five
chances to pick up his first tour
win since '96, proving that lefties
are chokers and idiots all at once.
None more so than Hornsby.
2. Costa Doinbiznis finds his ball
resting comfortably next to a tree.
In a moment of weakness he mumbles
(audibly) "I wish I was a lefty".
P.P. Hornsby grins delightfully as
he watches 'The Biz' blow another
shot.
3. P.P. Hornsby masters the
double-hit. Connaisseurs worldwide
remind him that this is undesirable.
Nevertheless, he keeps the shot in
his repertoire, including a
'vomit-inducing (TM)' double-hit
from six inches off the green.
4. Hale Erwin Norman, despite being
a thousand years old, continues to
dominate the LGA. He introduces
withcraft to the LGA in the form of
Bingo-Bango-Bongo, a game, he says,
anyone can win. It's also a game, I
say, no one can understand.
5. Petro Lewinsky patents his
'AIR-BALL SWINGMASTER (TM)', a
device that absolutely guarantees
high scores and embarassement. Once
again, experts worldwide remind him
that this is undesirable.
6. Controversial decisions by LGA
president Paul Hornsby lead to
internal conflict and perhaps
impeachment. Nobody cares, yet the
debate continues.
7. Dr. Mario Blondin continues to
issue presrciptions (mostly to
himself), despite the loss of his
licence and outstanding lawsuits. He
is nowhere to be found for days at a
time, yet never misses an event.
Controversy ensues when it is
discovered that he offers Paul
Hornsby a TV set as a gift.
Coincidentally, he wins he first
career major shortly thereafter...
Greetings.
1. P.P. Hornsby blows at least five
chances to pick up his first tour
win since '96, proving that lefties
are chokers and idiots all at once.
None more so than Hornsby.
2. Costa Doinbiznis finds his ball
resting comfortably next to a tree.
In a moment of weakness he mumbles
(audibly) "I wish I was a lefty".
P.P. Hornsby grins delightfully as
he watches 'The Biz' blow another
shot.
3. P.P. Hornsby masters the
double-hit. Connaisseurs worldwide
remind him that this is undesirable.
Nevertheless, he keeps the shot in
his repertoire, including a
'vomit-inducing (TM)' double-hit
from six inches off the green.
4. Hale Erwin Norman, despite being
a thousand years old, continues to
dominate the LGA. He introduces
withcraft to the LGA in the form of
Bingo-Bango-Bongo, a game, he says,
anyone can win. It's also a game, I
say, no one can understand.
5. Petro Lewinsky patents his
'AIR-BALL SWINGMASTER (TM)', a
device that absolutely guarantees
high scores and embarassement. Once
again, experts worldwide remind him
that this is undesirable.
6. Controversial decisions by LGA
president Paul Hornsby lead to
internal conflict and perhaps
impeachment. Nobody cares, yet the
debate continues.
7. Dr. Mario Blondin continues to
issue presrciptions (mostly to
himself), despite the loss of his
licence and outstanding lawsuits. He
is nowhere to be found for days at a
time, yet never misses an event.
Controversy ensues when it is
discovered that he offers Paul
Hornsby a TV set as a gift.
Coincidentally, he wins he first
career major shortly thereafter...
Greetings.
Gus Loads is a columnist and
political lobbyist for
righthanders. He is best
known for his monthly
Northpaw column in the now
defunct Hackers' Review.
political lobbyist for
righthanders. He is best
known for his monthly
Northpaw column in the now
defunct Hackers' Review.
