| A Letter From The President To All LGA Members |
Kolumnist's Korner
March 12, 2002
March 12, 2002
| by Paul Hornsby |
I'm baaack!!!
It looked bad there for a while,
with all you liberals and
non-purists attempting your failed
putsch. It looks like you're stuck
with your foul-mouthed iron-fisted
leader for at least another season.
You know, in defense of myself, the
position of Lefty Golfers
Association president is a thankless
one. I've discovered that satisfying
everyone is an impossible task, so
frankly, I stopped trying years ago.
Besides, what is there really to
complain about? In an effort to
appease you bleeding hearts, I have
given in to allowing righthanders
almost equal status, despite the
original intent of the Lefty Golfers
Association. I have banished the
'gimmie' from LGA play, amidst an
uproar from all of you f******
cheaters. I have allowed women
limited participation, breaking the
unspoken sanctity of golf leagues
everywhere. I introduced the Lefty
Olympics of Golf and the Lefty
Masters, events that will be
cherished for eternity. I have
commissioned a website so that all
you lazy bums don't have to
calculate your handicaps, and I have
loaded the LGA with a significant
lack of talent so that all of you
hackers can feel like champions from
time to time.
What more can you ask for?
And I was able to accomplish all of
It looked bad there for a while,
with all you liberals and
non-purists attempting your failed
putsch. It looks like you're stuck
with your foul-mouthed iron-fisted
leader for at least another season.
You know, in defense of myself, the
position of Lefty Golfers
Association president is a thankless
one. I've discovered that satisfying
everyone is an impossible task, so
frankly, I stopped trying years ago.
Besides, what is there really to
complain about? In an effort to
appease you bleeding hearts, I have
given in to allowing righthanders
almost equal status, despite the
original intent of the Lefty Golfers
Association. I have banished the
'gimmie' from LGA play, amidst an
uproar from all of you f******
cheaters. I have allowed women
limited participation, breaking the
unspoken sanctity of golf leagues
everywhere. I introduced the Lefty
Olympics of Golf and the Lefty
Masters, events that will be
cherished for eternity. I have
commissioned a website so that all
you lazy bums don't have to
calculate your handicaps, and I have
loaded the LGA with a significant
lack of talent so that all of you
hackers can feel like champions from
time to time.
What more can you ask for?
And I was able to accomplish all of
this while maintaining my full-time
position as a sanitary engineer for
a major suburban pet center.
Okay, maybe I was too harsh
permanently banning Brian McMulligan
from future Lefty Olympics. Maybe I
was wrong in removing Chris The
9-Iron Kid's privilege to play for
his native Greece after three
consecutive no-shows. Perhaps the
LGA should have been a handicap
league, but I thought its members
were handicapped enough.
Nobody's perfect. But when all is
said and done, I believe whoever
replaces me will have one huge pair
of shoes to fill (size 12).
And yes, I have heard rumblings and
I know some of you out there think
that I am paranoid or delusional.
You can think whatever you like but
as long as I am in charge, all of
you back-stabbing bastards will
remain subject to my administration.
Remember that until otherwise
informed, I, Paul Hornsby, remain
president. The Lefty Golfers
Association is MINE!!!, I tell you,
MINE!!!, and as far as I am
concerned you and your f****** dis-
obedient cohorts can all go f***
yourselves.
The above sentiment extends to *Gus
Loads (noticed I put the asterisk?),
Pavlo Hornsbidakis and all you other
critics who probably never held a
golf club never mind presided over
an international organization.
Oh yeah, and have a great year!
position as a sanitary engineer for
a major suburban pet center.
Okay, maybe I was too harsh
permanently banning Brian McMulligan
from future Lefty Olympics. Maybe I
was wrong in removing Chris The
9-Iron Kid's privilege to play for
his native Greece after three
consecutive no-shows. Perhaps the
LGA should have been a handicap
league, but I thought its members
were handicapped enough.
Nobody's perfect. But when all is
said and done, I believe whoever
replaces me will have one huge pair
of shoes to fill (size 12).
And yes, I have heard rumblings and
I know some of you out there think
that I am paranoid or delusional.
You can think whatever you like but
as long as I am in charge, all of
you back-stabbing bastards will
remain subject to my administration.
Remember that until otherwise
informed, I, Paul Hornsby, remain
president. The Lefty Golfers
Association is MINE!!!, I tell you,
MINE!!!, and as far as I am
concerned you and your f****** dis-
obedient cohorts can all go f***
yourselves.
The above sentiment extends to *Gus
Loads (noticed I put the asterisk?),
Pavlo Hornsbidakis and all you other
critics who probably never held a
golf club never mind presided over
an international organization.
Oh yeah, and have a great year!
Paul Hornsby is founding
President of the Lefty Golfers
Association. He is in no way
related to P.P. Hornsby, LGA
member, although they were once
both spotted in the same brothel.
President of the Lefty Golfers
Association. He is in no way
related to P.P. Hornsby, LGA
member, although they were once
both spotted in the same brothel.
